i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
