I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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