Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
