Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
