i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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