Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
