nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
