No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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