Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
