Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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