Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if only i could text you this smell
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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