I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
