I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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