Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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