i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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