Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
