i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
