I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
