WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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