i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
