I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
