she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
