i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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