just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
