I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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