Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
