Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
