I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
