The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
