When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize