Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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