I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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