I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
