Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize