he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
