Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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