my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
