Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
