I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
