He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
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