I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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