Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
