I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
