I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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