i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
