Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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