i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
