There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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