tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize