Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
