It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
