fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
