Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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