When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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