The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
we're so committed to being not committed
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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