girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Why is your signature on my underwear?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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