dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
