I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
