u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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