Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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