i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
