Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
